Reflection tool · not a test

How much of this is actually mine?

Compulsory sexuality is the cultural assumption that everyone wants sex — and that not wanting it is a problem to be fixed. This tool helps you separate what you actually want from what you've been told you should want.

Nothing here is scored, and nothing is saved. Your answers stay in this browser tab and disappear when you close it. Copy your note before you go if you want to keep it.

What is compulsory sexuality? It's the background assumption — in medicine, in media, in relationships — that sexual desire is universal, healthy, and necessary. That its absence is a symptom. That wanting to fix it is the obvious response. This assumption shapes how asexual people are treated by clinicians, partners, and sometimes themselves.

This tool isn't asking whether you want sex. It's asking how much of your distress about not wanting it comes from you — and how much comes from the pressure to want it.

The source of the distress

When you imagine a world where no one cared whether you wanted sex or not, how do you feel?

No partner is disappointed. No clinician is concerned. No cultural script says you're missing something. Just you, in that world.

Who first named this as a problem?

Not who you told — who first said or implied that something was wrong.

Internalized messages

Do you believe, somewhere, that not wanting sex means something is wrong with you?

Not what you think intellectually — what you feel when you're not thinking about it carefully.

Have you ever performed desire you didn't feel?

Acted interested, initiated when you weren't, or said yes when the honest answer was indifference or no.

Have you ever sought treatment for not wanting sex?

Therapy, medication, supplements, or anything else aimed at increasing desire.

What you actually want

If you could have exactly the relationship with sex and desire that you actually want — not what anyone else wants for you — what would that look like?

There's no right answer. This is just what's true for you.

What would it mean for you to stop treating this as a problem?

Not asking you to do it — just asking what it would mean.

Optional. Something the questions above didn't quite reach.

What I'd want to say

Your note builds here as you answer. Nothing is scored — this is your own account, in your own order.

I'm bringing this to think through together. I'm not asking to be told what I should want.

If you want the longer version

Compulsory Sexuality: The Assumption That Makes Asexuality Look Like a Problem Is My Asexuality Trauma? Why the Question Is Wrong in Both Directions Four Ways to Not Want Sex: Asexuality, Low Desire, Medication, and Aversion Is This Low Desire or Is This Me? — if you want to untangle the four patterns Ace Spectrum Map — if you want to map your attraction types