Finding Love/Relational substance is the ticket. That’s after the honeymoon period/infatuation period. Typically 2-6 months. Subsequently you’ll know if you begin to notice the individual(s) perceived “flaws.” Whereas you never seemed to notice them before. All that fun Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin is starting to drop. Some refer to this as New Relationship Energy (NRE).
E.g. “They’re kinda messy.” “Why do they spend so much time doing (insert behavior)?” “Wow, their sibling/family member isn’t nice.” Ad infinitum.
6-12 months- This is, “make or break time.” Can you integrate, meld, no matter the relational style. Monogamy, Ethical Non-Monogamy in its many forms.
******Side note, Romantic Monogamy is common even amongst those that practice ethical sexual non-monogamy. (Swing, BDSM (with or without sex), Friendships even with typical object of desire are not typically allowed in many cultures (insecurities), Asexuals/Aromantics anywhere on the spectrum also apply in the relational dynamics.***
1 season or 12 months of at least once per week in real life (IRL) exposure to follow this timeline. First disagreement(s). Can you argue well? Do you show up when it matters?
i.e. How do you and they handle discomfort? Is the EQ high, medium, low for either of you?
***(Emotional Quotient (EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions. It’s also known as Emotional Intelligence (EI).)***
Central to all of this is EQ. You can only give others what you are able to give yourself. In that, if you endeavor to find love, friendships, or any other kind substantive connections, this will be first. You MUST map yourself in order to reach others relationally. You cannot relate substantively.
Handling discomfort well is the key to the idea of Happiness. It is not a static state, nor should it be. Sapiens in this plane of existence are dualistic, and you must be in comfort and discomfort states equitably in order to truly experience anything. We think in binary systems for safety. There are lots of reasons for this anthropologically. But it’s not important to go into the “why” here.
***Side note: If you’re Buddhist it’s going to get weird eventually. You’ll get really good at the dualism aspect of life and then you’ll start to realize none of it matters and that non-dualism is the ultimate form. That’s for those that want to read my book coming in May June 2025.***
12 months and on. View this period as a relational opportunity. Nothing isn’t without merit. Nothing too small as an opportunity to relate experientially with your person(s).
E.g. You know they love (insert whatever that is) and you decide knowing they are having a hard time at the moment for whatever reason to give that anticipatorily. Experientially increasing your EQ bond.
E.g. You are responsibly debriefing from a stressful interaction. Responsibly debriefing is focusing on sharing enough detail without traumatizing, gossiping, or causing harm to others. Are you taking that risk of being vulnerable? Allowing them the same opportunity to show up for you. Thus increasing relational EQ.
E.g. Are you able to validate their feelings without the need to be in agreement? Or are you frequently saying phrases like, “That’s valid.” “I understand that.” “You’re so right.” Are you the “yes person” typically? No one needs those, not even yes people. It just keeps folx stuck in illusory narratives. The reverberations of such humans supersede your relationship with them and will continue to do so in an unknown amount of spaces. Like sound waves or a ripple from a stone thrown into the water.
***Validation. What the fuck is it? It’s acknowledgement only. It’s not agreement, condoning behavior, permission, or forgiveness. It’s deeply listening and reflecting the message back to the sender to ensure you are receiving the message correctly.***
The more you relate to you with high EQ experientially, the more likely you will have this in all relationships. No matter how you are defining those or identifying romantically, sexually, etc.
Love, relationships, community, belonging. These are not concepts, but experiences. It’s not a text message. It’s not an online friend. It’s in real life (IRL). Sapiens require this due to our brain design. Language is the youngest part of us and the weakest.
EQ is where it’s at. Communication is helpful and only in so much as you can get out of your head and into your feet. Experiential relational dynamics.
Make no mistake, relationships are important to you and your life. It’s the source of all of your comfort and discomfort states. There isn’t anything in your life that doesn’t have this assignment in your memory store.
When your body, mind, symmetry (some say beauty) faculties begin to fade or have. You won’t think about anything other than your relationships. Just take my word for it. As a Buddhist Chaplain of the many hats I wear…
At end of life, people don’t talk to me about anything but relationships. I’ve never heard anyone talk about wishing they had more expensive stuff, owned more property, drove better cars, made more money, etc.
Happy loving!
Well Wishes 🙏
Dr. Love C. Dialogos, LMFT, PsyD
