®Core principles of allyship
Allyship is a practice, not a badge. These principles apply whether you're supporting a child, a partner, a friend, or a colleague.
Listen more than you speak
When someone comes out to you or shares their experience, your first job is to listen. Resist the urge to immediately reassure, fix, or share your own feelings. Ask what they need from you.
Believe them
When someone tells you their identity, believe them. Don't question whether it's real, suggest it's a phase, or wait for more evidence. Their self-knowledge is valid.
Use their language
Use the words, pronouns, and name they use for themselves. If you're unsure, ask; and then use what they tell you. Practicing when they're not around helps build the habit.
Speak up when it's not your turn
Allyship happens when the LGBTQ+ person isn't in the room. Correct misgendering, push back on homophobic or transphobic comments, and don't laugh at jokes that demean LGBTQ+ people.
Don't out people
Someone's LGBTQ+ identity is theirs to share. Don't tell others without explicit permission: even if you think it's safe, even if you're proud of them, even if you think it would help.
Keep learning
Language, community norms, and best practices evolve. Being an ally means staying curious and being willing to update your understanding when you learn something new.
Language guide
Language matters because the words we use shape how people feel seen and respected, rather than because you'll be punished for getting it wrong. A quick reference follows.
Use
Sexual orientation
Instead of
Sexual preference
Why
"Preference" implies choice; orientation is not chosen.
Use
Gender identity
Instead of
Biological sex / "real" gender
Why
Gender identity is real and valid; "biological sex" is often used to dismiss trans identities.
Use
They/them (singular)
Instead of
"That's grammatically wrong"
Why
Singular they has been used in English for centuries and is widely accepted.
Use
Trans person / transgender person
Instead of
Transgendered / a transgender
Why
"Transgendered" adds a suffix that implies something happened to them; "a transgender" reduces a person to a descriptor.
Use
Assigned male/female at birth (AMAB/AFAB)
Instead of
"Born a man/woman"
Why
More accurate and less reductive language for discussing birth assignment.
Use
Same-sex relationship / queer relationship
Instead of
"Lifestyle"
Why
"Lifestyle" implies a choice or a set of behaviors rather than an identity or relationship.
Use
Partner / spouse
Instead of
Assuming "husband" or "wife"
Why
Avoids assuming gender and relationship structure.
Use
Intersex
Instead of
Hermaphrodite
Why
"Hermaphrodite" is a clinical term considered offensive by most intersex people.
For a comprehensive reference, see the GLAAD Media Reference Guide .
Common mistakes: and how to fix them
Most mistakes come from good intentions. These are ways to course-correct.
Common mistake
Making it about you
Better approach
When someone comes out, their feelings come first. Your adjustment process is real, but process it with a therapist or trusted friend: not with the person who just came out.
Common mistake
Over-apologizing for mistakes
Better approach
When you misgender someone or use the wrong word, correct yourself briefly and move on. Long apologies center your discomfort and make the other person feel responsible for managing your feelings.
Common mistake
Treating their identity as the only interesting thing about them
Better approach
LGBTQ+ people are whole people. Don't reduce every conversation to their identity. Talk about their interests and their work.
Common mistake
Asking invasive questions
Better approach
Questions about bodies, surgeries, or sexual practices are generally not appropriate unless the person has explicitly invited that conversation.
Common mistake
Conditional support
Better approach
"I support you, but I wish you wouldn't be so open about it" is not support. Allyship means accepting the whole person, including the parts that are less comfortable for you.
Common mistake
Assuming you're done learning
Better approach
Language and community norms evolve. What was considered respectful five years ago may not be today. Stay curious and open to correction.
For parents
If your child just came out to you, you may be feeling a mix of love, confusion, grief, or fear. All of that is understandable. The research points to what matters most.
Your reaction in the first conversation matters a great deal
Research consistently shows that parental acceptance is one of the strongest protective factors for LGBTQ+ youth mental health. You don't have to be perfect: but expressing love and a willingness to learn goes a long way.
It's okay to need time
You're allowed to have your own adjustment process. The key is to process it in a way that doesn't burden your child: with a therapist, a trusted friend, or a PFLAG support group.
Using their name and pronouns is protective
Studies show that using a trans or nonbinary child's chosen name and pronouns is associated with significantly lower rates of depression and suicidality (Russell et al., 2018; Trevor Project, 2020). It's one of the most concrete things you can do.
You don't have to understand to accept
You don't need to fully understand your child's identity to love and support them. "I don't fully understand this yet, but I love you and I'm going to learn" is a powerful thing to say.
PFLAG is for you too
PFLAG has local chapters across the US where parents can connect with other parents who have been through this. Their guides, helpline, and community are specifically designed for families.
Find a PFLAG chapter near youResources for allies
PFLAG
The largest organization supporting LGBTQ+ people and their families. Guides for parents, local chapters, and a helpline.
GLAAD
Media advocacy and resources for allies, including the GLAAD Media Reference Guide for accurate, respectful language.
Human Rights Campaign
Policy advocacy, workplace equality resources, and guides for allies in professional settings.
Glisten (formerly GLSEN)
Resources for educators and school staff who want to create safer, more affirming school environments.
Trans Lifeline
A peer support hotline staffed by trans people. Allies can also call to learn how to better support trans people in their lives.
PFLAG's "Our Daughters & Sons"
A guide specifically for parents of LGBTQ+ children: covering the emotional process and practical next steps.
Common questions
Questions allies and family members ask most often.
- What does it mean to be an LGBTQ+ ally?
- An ally is someone who is not LGBTQ+ themselves but actively supports the rights, dignity, and wellbeing of LGBTQ+ people. Being an ally is a practice, not a label. It involves ongoing learning, speaking up, and centering the needs of the LGBTQ+ people in your life.
- My child just came out to me. What do I do?
- The first conversation matters more than the ones after it, and what your child remembers is whether you moved toward them or away. You do not need answers. You do need to say clearly that you love them and that this does not change your relationship. If you need time to learn, say so and give it a timeframe, because open-ended time reads to a young person as rejection with better manners. PFLAG has resources for parents at every stage.
- How do I use someone's pronouns correctly?
- Practice using the correct pronouns when the person isn't present: this builds the habit. When you make a mistake, correct yourself briefly and move on without making it a big deal. Avoid over-apologizing, which can center your discomfort rather than the other person's experience.
- What should I avoid saying to an LGBTQ+ person?
- Avoid asking invasive questions about bodies or medical history, expressing that their identity is "just a phase," saying you "don't see" their identity, or making their identity the only thing you talk about. Treat them as a whole person whose LGBTQ+ identity is one part of who they are.
Therapy for allies and families
I work with LGBTQ+ individuals and their families across 13 states. If you're a parent, partner, or family member navigating this and want support, I'm here.
This page is educational and informational only. It does not constitute medical or mental health advice and does not establish a therapist–client relationship.
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