Neurodivergent Family Therapy: The Short Version

Full version: The Filter Between Us

The session is for repair, and nobody wins.

A parent with ADHD and an AuDHD adult child arrive with years of rehearsed arguments. Before either responds, each says back what they heard the other say. The gap between what was said and what landed is where the work begins.

A parent's advice can come from fear.

A parent who grew up poor may still be scanning for danger decades later. Advice meant as protection can land on an adult child as control.

Adult children rarely know their parents' origin story.

Parents protect young children from hard history, and by the time a child can see a parent as a person, that history has gone quiet. A structured interview with small, specific questions can bring it back and make a parent human.

The double empathy problem runs in both directions.

Damian Milton's framework holds that communication between neurotypes breaks down on both sides, with empathy present in each person. An autistic pause to process can read as coldness to a parent who does not know it is happening. More on this in the double empathy problem article.

ADHD adds its own pause.

Shifting attention can make a parent miss part of a message or move to the next point too quickly. An AuDHD adult child carries both the autistic pull toward routine and the ADHD pull toward speed.

Check the interpretation out loud.

"When you said that, I felt dismissed. Is that what you meant?" gives the other person room to correct the reading. "I don't know yet, let me come back to this" gives processing time a place in the conversation.

Two neurotypes in one family call for a different filter when each person listens, and that filter can be learned.

Content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Nothing here creates a therapist-client relationship. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room.

Well wishes. 🙏

Mx. Love C. Dialogos, LMFT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Buddhist Chaplain Pronouns: They/Them