The Four Parts of Nonviolent Communication (and the One Most Arguments Skip To)

The four parts of Nonviolent Communication, and the one most arguments skip straight to.

Most fights skip straight to a demand wrapped in an accusation ("you never listen to me") and the other person defends against the accusation before either of you gets to what's happening.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, slows this down by asking you to name four things before you open your mouth.

State what happened, in language specific enough that a video camera could verify it, with no interpretation baked in.

Not: "You never listen to me." (That's an evaluation.)

Instead: "The last three times I brought this up, you changed the subject within thirty seconds." (That's checkable.)

What's happening in your own nervous system right now, rather than what you think the other person did to you. Sadness. Frustration. Fear. Longing. Loneliness. Confusion. Naming the feeling accurately, rather than reaching for the nearest accusation, changes the entire tone of what comes next.

Every feeling points at an underlying need that is or isn't being met. Anger often points at autonomy or respect, sadness at connection or belonging, and fear at safety or predictability. Naming the need shifts the conversation from blame to something you can problem-solve together.

What do you want the other person to do? Concrete, present-tense, doable. State what you do want rather than what you don't want.

Not: "I wish you cared more about me."

Instead: "I'd like you to put your phone down when we're eating dinner together."

A request is a real ask that the other person can say yes or no to, which makes a real negotiation possible in a way a vague wish or a buried demand doesn't.

The part people miss is that you don't need the other person to be doing NVC for it to work for you. Before a hard conversation, try running all four questions in your own head. What's the observation, in video-camera terms? What's the feeling? What's the need underneath it? What would I like to request?

Often, by the time you've answered all four, you discover the conversation you were about to have wasn't the conversation you needed to have. Sometimes naming it privately resolves it without any conversation.

Pick a conversation you've been putting off. Write out:

• Observation:
• Feeling:
• Need:
• Request:

Most people find that the request they land on, once it's gone through all four steps, is smaller and easier to ask for than the vague frustration they started with.

Content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Nothing here creates a therapist–client relationship. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room.

Well wishes. 🙏

Mx. Love C. Dialogos, LMFT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Buddhist Chaplain Pronouns: They/Them

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