A clinical framework for reading the compound factors in your grief so you stop comparing it to someone else's and finding it excessive

Every human nervous system responds to loss with some version of shock, numbness, disbelief, intrusive memory, intense feeling, and disrupted regulation. This is the wound itself. It would be present in any brain, in any body, in any culture, in any life circumstance. Acute grief is a universal human response, and the acute phase (the first days and weeks) runs hot in every nervous system that's designed the way ours are.

If it hurts, that's evidence the wound is fresh and your nervous system knows it. Like a physical wound, the pain is the body's instruction to slow down and give the wound the conditions it needs to scab over. You don't accuse yourself of being weak for a broken leg hurting. Grief works the same way. The pain is the wound doing its job.

But most people have more than the base layer running. Most people in acute grief are carrying three or four additional factors on top, and each one is amplifying the wound.

If your brain has the architecture that gets labeled ADHD, autism, or AuDHD (dense synaptic connection, vast inner world, less-pruned neural networks), your acute grief will run hotter and longer than it would in a more-pruned brain design.

This is the same architecture that lets you feel love more intensely, notice more, connect more, and experience the world with more resolution. The depth of attachment and the depth of grief are the same architecture. You can't have one without the other.

What this means practically: if you have a brain design that includes these features, and you're comparing your grief to someone with a differently-designed brain, you are not comparing like to like. Their acute phase might be shorter and quieter because their neural pruning processes grief on a different timeline. Yours might be longer and louder because your architecture holds intensity longer.

Comparing your grief to theirs and finding yours excessive is like comparing your ability to hear high frequencies to someone else's. If your ears are more sensitive, more sound gets in. That's what the hardware is doing.

Anything done for the first time hurts more than the same thing done later.

Your first heartbreak hurt more than later breakups, even if the later ones were objectively bigger losses. Your first bereavement hurts more than later bereavements, even if you loved the next person more. The first instance of any category teaches the nervous system what this kind of pain feels like, and the teaching itself is part of the wound.

If this is your first loss of this kind (first parent, first pet, first partner, first close friend), expect it to hurt disproportionately relative to what the "same" loss might hurt later in your life. This is specifically the acute phase of a first-of-its-kind loss, and it eases as the nervous system integrates the new category of experience.

Some losses come with cultural permission to grieve openly. The death of a spouse or a parent. Society makes room, offers casseroles, gives you bereavement leave, holds a funeral.

Other losses don't get that recognition. A pet. A friendship. A relationship that wasn't legible to the people around you. A miscarriage early enough that no one knew. The end of an entanglement society didn't recognize as worth grieving. A therapist you loved who retired. An estrangement chosen for your own safety. A pregnancy chosen not to keep. A queer relationship your family didn't know about. A metamour who left your polycule. A friendship that dissolved because your brain designs stopped fitting each other.

Disenfranchised grief is the technical term: grief that the people around you don't make space for.

This compounds the wound in two ways. First, because in addition to grieving the loss, you're grieving alone. Second, because the internal message you're getting from your environment is that you shouldn't be feeling this much about this. You start doing the math about whether your grief is legitimate, whether people would think less of you if they knew how bad it was. And that math itself is exhausting on top of the base layer of grief.

The clinical reality is that grief tracks how much you loved. If you loved a pet the way you would love a person, you will grieve it the way you would grieve a person. That's the honest math, and no external recognition or non-recognition changes it.

If you carry layered marginalization (queer, trans, BIPOC, neurodivergent, disabled, fat, religious-minority, any of the axes where the world has been telling you for years that you don't belong), your nervous system arrives at any new loss already carrying a baseline of rejection load.

The new loss is this loss plus the historical weight of having been rejected for things you didn't choose. Each axis of marginalization is its own layer. If you carry three axes, you're carrying three additional layers of baseline load into any new loss. This is especially relevant when the loss involves someone from a community that had been a refuge: a queer chosen-family member or a fellow neurodivergent friend. You're losing a person and a piece of the fabric that made your life livable against everything else.

Death is a finality. So is a clearly-ended job or a relationship that has been definitively concluded. Final losses are, counterintuitively, easier for the nervous system to metabolize because they are final. There is nothing to wait for and no version of the future where the loss undoes itself.

Ambiguous loss, a term from the grief researcher Pauline Boss, is harder. The estranged parent who is still alive. The friend who hasn't returned a message in months but hasn't formally ended things. The ex whose intentions about the breakup remain unclear. The relative who is alive but who is no longer the person you knew (dementia or addiction). The relationship that fizzled without ever being officially over.

Ambiguous loss leaves the question of whether you should be grieving still open, and the nervous system cannot fully begin the work of metabolizing what hasn't yet been declared finished. You're stuck partway through a metabolizing process that requires an ending you haven't been given.

If you're currently in an ambiguous loss, one of the kindest things you can do for yourself is name it as such. Instead of "we're just not talking right now," say "I am in an ambiguous loss and my nervous system is going to keep looping until it either resolves or I decide unilaterally that it's over." That naming doesn't fix it, but it explains why the grief isn't following the timeline you expected.

Take the loss you're in, whatever it is: a death, a relationship, a job, a home, a version of yourself. And walk through the factors.

Is the base layer of universal acute grief present? Almost certainly yes, or you wouldn't be reading this.

Does your brain design carry the features that intensify and prolong the acute phase? If yes, that's one layer.

Is this a first-of-its-kind loss for you? If yes, that's another layer.

Is this loss recognized by the people around you, or are you grieving alone? If disenfranchised, that's another layer.

Do you carry intersectional identities that mean your baseline load coming into this loss was already heavy? Each axis of marginalization is another layer.

Is the loss final or ambiguous? If ambiguous, that's another layer.

Most people in acute grief that comes into my office are carrying three or four layers on top of the base. And they're reading the intensity as personal failure instead of as accurate response to actual load.

Your response is proportional to what you are carrying. The carrying-load is what is heavy.

The goal in the acute phase of grief is the same as the goal with any fresh wound: protect it and let it hurt.

Keep yourself alive, fed, watered, sleeping when possible, surrounded by the people who can be present with you. Decline the optional things and cancel the things you can cancel. Notice that decision-making is going to be harder than usual and avoid making any decisions that don't have to be made right now.

If your brain design handles time in fragments rather than in linear sequence (common in brains with denser synaptic connection), be especially gentle with your future-self. Future-you, three weeks from now, is going to look back at the choices made this week and not remember why anything happened. Make this week as low-stakes as possible. Decisions about jobs, housing, relationships, major purchases: defer these if at all possible.

And notice which of the compound factors are running in your particular grief. You can't solve being AuDHD or having chosen a queer relationship your family doesn't recognize; the point is to stop reading the intensity of your response as evidence something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. You are carrying more than a base layer would carry, and the response is scaled to what you're holding.

Grief is not linear. There are no stages you need to pass through in order. Anyone who tells you that you're stuck in the wrong stage is not paying attention to what grief is.

Grief moves in loops and in weather patterns that don't respect calendar time. You will feel fine on Tuesday morning and be undone by a smell on Tuesday afternoon. This is grief operating the way grief operates.

The wound closes, over time, but it doesn't close on a schedule that you or anyone else can predict. What matters in the acute phase is that you're staying alive and letting the wound do its work.

We aim for the wound to close clean.

This article is drawn from the forthcoming book Relationship Styles. The concept of ambiguous loss is from the work of Pauline Boss.

Related on this site: Clinical Lexicon · Found Family Needs

Clinical descriptions in this piece are illustrative composites drawn from patterns across many years of practice, not accounts of any specific client.

Content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Nothing here creates a therapist–client relationship. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room.

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Well wishes. 🙏

Mx. Love C. Dialogos, LMFT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Buddhist Chaplain Pronouns: They/Them